my feelings vs. the church calendar

This is going to be not only about the Enneagram but about the Myers-Briggs. I know, it's the horoscope for intellectuals and you already hate it. This is also going to be about the church calendar (also known as the liturgical year). This is not a historical argument: if your denomination already employs it, you probably know more of the history and practice than I do, and if your denomination doesn't, I don't aim to persuade you. This isn't about you, this is about my FEELINGS. Save some time: please close this tab and send your hate mail directly to Joshua.

I'm a 5 and an INFJ.

Most 5s are male, and INFJ is one of the rarer MBTIs.

So being a female 5 INFJ has meant it's been difficult to find others who react to things or process information the same way I typically do. (I know, because being a 5, I immediately read everything I could get my hands on about the Enneagram, that's our thing.)

If you have managed to escape knowing anything about either system, here's the condensed version:

The Enneagram is primarily about how you respond to trauma. 

The MBTI is primarily about how you take in and process information.

The Enneagram has 9 types, the MBTI has 16. 

While a letter or two of your MBTI may shift over time, your original Enneagram number usually doesn't, but you do shift to different numbers in times of strength or insecurity.

That's probably enough to give you a rough idea. I have found the exploration into these methodologies to be fruitful, and as a 5, even damning self-knowledge is still knowledge, and I love collecting knowledge, so I'm all in on this. 

You might have noticed I'm stalling writing about my actual feelings—another 5 tactic. I do not like revealing personal information. I do not even particularly like having feelings since they are generally overwhelming and inconvenient, sometimes even contextually inappropriate. I'm German enough to be incredibly frustrated that emotions are not malleable, that they do not come and go when I say so. They are not LOGICAL, no matter how much I try to control them.

And this is where the INFJ stuff comes in. I feel other people's feelings. Always have, unless they are hiding them, or unless I make a conscious effort to turn off that part of myself. In the right context, I believe this could be called either empathy or discernment of spirits. In the wrong context, it's frightening and exhausting. It was particularly confusing when I was younger and didn't know what was happening, or why certain people made me feel certain ways. It is downright overwhelming in crowded situations (bars, parties, etc.).

I could probably make a living doing "fortune-telling," but that's a terrible use of a spiritual gift and dubious use of empathy.

I=Introverted

N=Intuitive

F=Feeling

J=Judging

So if you feel the feelings of others, how do you know when what you're feeling is actually yours? Sometimes I just don't have the energy left to have my own feelings. I also frequently need to retreat and spend time by myself. Trying to balance this need to have space with the 5 tendency towards unhealthy escapism? Haaaaaahahahaha. I'm going to be fighting for that balance the rest of my life. If you are one of my three or four extremely close friends, sure, I might talk about my feelings if you ask a direct question I can't escape from. I will not be led into it, I know what you're doing, and if you're anyone other than those three or four people, I'm going to deflect. Probably by using humor. Then while you're laughing, I'm going to change the subject back to YOU, and we'll be off to the races. 

Push me too far, with questions, or with your feelings, and you will experience 5 withdrawal coupled with the INFJ door slam. It will be like you never existed. (I'm working on not doing this as much as I used to.)

It's not ideal, but it's the way I am, and at least now I know WHY I act and feel this way. Being vulnerable, allowing myself to be seen, acknowledging that my needs and feelings are real and should be met, these things are HARD for me. I would prefer we didn't talk about me, and yet, I also need that sometimes, and it's almost impossible to accept. At my best, I believe that I am smart and capable (and I prefer to be judged on these grounds rather than anything else! Don't you DARE compliment me on my physical appearance unless you want to get stabbed), but that's a good day, that's 5 moving to 8, you would be better off getting out of my way. In that mode, I know that I have resources, that things will be okay, I can be open and magnanimous. This is the closest I will ever come to extroversion. I get there either by feeling really good, or really angry. 

When 5 goes to 7, in fear or stress or anxiety, I shrink, I shut off, I retreat. You will not see me. I am in hoarding mode: energy, resources, time. In this mode, I am not enough, and I'm going to punish myself for it, because how could I be enough for anyone else? How can I help others (my primary goal!) if I can't help myself? 

It can get emotionally dark quickly this time of year. I always end up a bit adrift around big holidays, not having any real family traditions to fall back on. My family of origin doesn't celebrate much of anything, and I don't have my own family. I don't know what to feel, and I don't know how to feel it. The holidays are a time when I want to feel my own distinct emotions, and sometimes I just can't, because there aren't any. How should I feel? How should I act? ..... and so I turn to the church calendar. Ah, we're in Advent. I know what that means. Having something to model myself on—something to copy—is a relief. Here is the emotional costume, the feelings-uniform, the appropriate one for the right time, that I should wear. 

When your feelings don't necessarily reflect reality, I have found it necessary to do the good actions, and hope the correct feelings follow. Following the church calendar can be part of doing the good actions. In Advent or Lent? Mourn, repent, pray, hope. In the feasts or Christmas or Easter? Lay off your sackcloth and ashes, and rejoice. Interestingly enough, Advent and Lent make the most sense to me. They fit my natural frame of mind. I have difficulty transitioning into seasons of rejoicing. I do not always feel like I deserve good things, or to rejoice. And yet, God calls us to, in so many ways, and sometimes through the church calendar. So much of the church year is what the Roman Catholics call "ordinary time," which I love. How extraordinary that on any given Sunday, you can go to your church and receive word and sacrament, and that is considered ORDINARY. That is what God has ordained for our good. The church calendar is not meant to draw attention away from Sunday worship. But I do think it can add to it. 

Yes, sometimes I am faking it and just hoping I end up making it. Yes, sometimes I feel like an impostor because my feelings won't cooperate.

This calendar is neither commanded nor forbidden. And for me, it shoulders some of the emotional burdens. It is an invitation to follow a slightly different year, not the 12-month hustle, but the rotating, repeating seasons of the church. That rhythm has become homelike to me when my "regular life" calendar is too full of obligations I don't want and empty of many things that I want very much. It takes me OUT of myself and plops me into the more eternal mindset of the church. I continue to meditate on time: we are in it now, but not for much longer. Emanuel! God is with us, and soon, we will be with God.