Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you terribly. Every time I think of you, a pain hits my heart at the same time my lips curl in a soft smile. I know you are with our Lord, but selfishly, I would rather have you here. You missed my 21st birthday. Dad and the cousins took me to see Hamilton in Chicago, and it was everything I hoped it would be. I think you would have loved it.

I finally finished the spring semester. I didn’t make the Dean’s List this time, Mom, but I made it to class most days. I’m so close to graduating; just two online Spanish classes, then I walk in August! Yes, the same Spanish classes you told me to get done a year ago. But I’m going to finish. I’m going to graduate just like you told me to.

I think about you every day, but especially today and this weekend, since its Mother’s Day. You usually just asked for us to be together, but it’s very hard when you’re not here. There is an emptiness when the family meets together now.

I’m learning more and more how much everyone respected you. Everyone thought you were brilliant. Everyone thought you were both tough and kind. Everyone knew you were the woman with a plan. I guess that’s where I get it from since you always made David and I have a plan. So many in the family have said how much they looked up to you, relied on you, and confided in you. They said that you were there for them when they needed someone, that you cared about them, and that you loved them so deeply. Your love for them made them work hard so that you would be proud of them. I know you didn’t need them to do that, but they did because your love inspired them.

That’s what I’m doing. I just want to make you and dad proud, because you believed in me so much. You never let me be anything less than what you knew I could be.

I miss your hugs. I miss your laugh. I miss fighting and arguing with you. I miss cooking with you or trying to get Dad and David to eat atole with us. Did you know some people don’t dip their toast into their cereal? Weirdos.

Momma, I’m still a little angry at God. I’m trying not to be. I trust Him like you and dad taught me, I do, but I still don’t understand why your time came so soon. I might never. And our hearts are still broken.

I wish I could ask you so many things. I meant to get the rest of your Thanksgiving stuffing recipe. I wanted to ask you about the early days of your marriage when you and dad traveled quite a bit! I wanted to ask you if I really needed graduation photos; you know I’m not too keen on that, which is ironic considering my personality. I’m sorry I didn’t take more pictures with you.

I know I disappointed you several times in my life, momma. I know I made you cry sometimes. Nothing in this world broke my heart like the knowledge that I had failed you and made you cry. I drove so fast that day, Mom. I meant to talk to you one more time and apologize for all the mess I’ve put you through. And to say “I love you” one more time. Momma, I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to make you proud. I know I’m messed up, and I’m painfully aware of my issues and shortcomings. But you still believed in me and more so in God, that I would grow and that God would shape me. I wish you would be here to see the man I know I’m becoming. The man that God is forming, that you and dad raised me to be.

I trust Jesus. Through tears, pain, rage, and my uncertainty, I have no choice but to. How I long to be with Him, and you, but I must stay here for now. He equipped you for your time, and in your vocation as a mother, you have equipped me for a life in service to Christ. So I must stay here. But you, Mom, are beyond the cares and circles of the world. I’m envious. I smile when I think about the look on your face when Jesus welcomed you into eternity.

I can’t wait to see you again. Happy Mother’s Day.

Te amo, Momma. Mucho mucho.

-Your baby boy