leave me alone

"ring the bell for exceptional service"? Aw hail naw. I will write a letter or an email, something civilized and decorous. I would startle myself with the bell, never mind other people.

sweepstakes, coupons, or any other kind of benefit, but only if I tweet/facebook/email all my friends? No. DON'T DO THIS TO YOUR FRIENDS. I see you doing it. Is it really worth it? Has anyone every won ANYTHING?

"Disney: the happiest place on earth"? No. The happiest place on earth would be a used bookstore, inside a bar serving local beer, with no one else there.

It's not that there's anything THAT interesting on my phone. It's that people are more likely to respect your privacy if you are on your phone than if you are reading a book.  

Headphone etiquette: I am wearing them. There are better ways to get my attention than A. pretending I am not wearing them or B. SHOUTING AT TOP VOLUME.

I don't like raising my hand, I don't like standing up, I will not participate unless I feel reasonably comfortable in the group. I will wait until the last possible minute to see if someone else says what I am thinking. 

The faster I am walking in public, the less I want to be talked to.

At restaurants: please don't ask me how "we" are doing or how "we" are enjoying the food. Yes, an extrovert might bond with you because of the familiarity, I, however, am now feeling uncomfortable, because you have muddied the boundaries, and I now have to re-calibrate, and that takes time, and you are still standing there expectantly.

If you do not know me, you do not need to touch me. No, really, don't. If you must touch an arm to get my attention, it's good to open with "sorry, excuse me" or "watch out for that bus" before I hurt you

At concerts: do not yell your lager-sponsored thoughts in my face about the ten other times you saw this band. Also, stop yelling at the band. They can't hear you. We don't care. You're better than this.

If you require a decision from me, it's best to put your application in well in advance. This will enable me to weigh the options and choose something that will benefit all parties. I can make a snap decision, but it won't be the best one, and then I will stick with it to the death.

If I'm smoking, it's a little creepy of you to get into my personal space and then breathe deeply. I understand, it smells good, but you should know better.

Surprise parties. Jumbo-cam proposals. Huge extravagant gifts. Know what these all have in common? They're horrific. Please don't. I'm not talking about someone proffering these things to me, good heavens, I'd hope I'd pick someone who would understand how dreadful these things are - I get uncomfortable watching these things happen to someone ELSE.  

If you are laughing too much in public (I don't mean genuine enjoyment or amusement, I mean the kind of dumb laughing women do when they are hammered or trying to get guys to like them), I will match you, pitch & volume, until you stop.

In the same vein, if you are doing something annoying in public, I will probably bust out some Python line to shame you into better behavior.

At the movies: don't talk. I thought that went without saying. You are impressing no one with your plot analysis. And shut your mouth while you're eating your damn 80 cups popcorn one damn kernel at a time.

When you say "chivalry's not dead" and try to cop a feel as you "help" me on with my jacket, I am in fact wishing YOU were dead.

I like watching sports. I do not like the shouting attendant with watching sports. You are impacting nothing by shouting in this bar or at this game.

At the grocery store: if you're going to stare at the contents of my cart, have the decency to do it full-on, and not whip your head up and pretend like you've been staring at the ceiling all along. I'm talking to you, old ladies. 

At the bar, when you try to educate me about alcohol, because I'm female: